How to motivate yourself to stick with goals. ↓

Why is it so hard to do the things we say we want to do?

To lose the weight? Quit the bad habits? Ask someone out? Make more money? Be a better role model?

It turns out that when we set goals like that we’re using the conscious part of our brain. The bit we’re aware of. The “voice” in our head.

But before we feel motivated to see a goal through, the unconscious part of our brain has to approve.

Our unconscious doesn’t use logic or reason to decide if a goal is worth following. It relies mostly on our past experience.

By using our memories of similar situations, it decides in advance whether taking action is likely to make us feel good, or feel bad.

If a good experience is expected, the goal is approved. We feel driven, motivated, optimistic and hopeful. We start taking action naturally and with no resistance.

But if a bad experience is expected, the goal is rejected. We procrastinate, feel unfocused, pessimistic, lethargic, or we self sabotage along the way.

By the time we grow up, we’ve had lots of experience. Good and bad. And those memories, especially the bad ones, start to limit our freedom.

We increasingly find ourselves wanting things, but emotionally and physically struggling to achieve them.

But are we doomed to go through life as victims of our past?

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How to make a fresh start.

Mary Cover Jones was a pioneering psychologist in the field of behavior therapy. An expert at helping people move beyond their bad experiences.

Here’s one of my favorite stories from her work. It’s about a young boy who was avoiding animals after a painful incident with a pet. The goal was to help him move beyond his bad experience, and the successful technique worked like this…

“Peter was seated at a small table at the end of a long room and served his favorite lunch. Just as he began to eat, a caged rabbit was brought into the room, and moved slowly forward until just far enough away to get his attention, but not stop his eating.

This point was marked and the next day the rabbit was brought a little closer. In this way the distance was gradually decreased, day after day, over several weeks.

Eventually the rabbit could be placed on the table beside the food, and finally in the child’s lap. At the end of the experiment he would play with the rabbit with one hand and eat with the other. His fear had completely disappeared.”

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Courage. Consistency. Gradual exposure.

The simple idea behind Mary’s work is the principle of gradual exposure.

Gradual exposure frees you from your past.

It lets you expand the bubble in which you feel comfortable, until you’re living the life you really want to live.

Let’s break down how it works…

• You start out curious and excited about the world. You want to learn, to explore, to experience new things.

• But there are hazards along the journey. You make mistakes or handle a situation with a lack of skill. Or maybe you’re just unlucky and things go wrong.

• You end up having a bad experience, it’s painful, and maybe socially embarrassing, and it creates a negative memory.

• The next time you’re in a similar situation your unconscious remembers your previous pain and steps in to protect you.

• You become more anxious, cautious and resistant. Maybe you try to avoid the situation altogether.

• To change this automatic behavior you need to change the memories that trigger it. Creating new positive memories to cancel out the old unpleasant ones.

• To create new memories you use three levers: courage, consistency and gradual exposure.

• You use courage to re-approach the situation that caused you pain in the past.

• You use gradual exposure so that your approach is done at a suitable distance and at a small enough scale. Slipping under the radar of your natural defenses.

• You use consistency to turn up, day after day. Building a store of new, positive memories.

• Your experience may start off neutral, before becoming more positive. “That didn’t kill me”. “That wasn’t as bad as I remember”. “That was thrilling”. “That was actually fun”. “That was amazing”. “I can’t wait to do that again”.

• The more you “sit with the rabbits” in your everyday life the more confident you become.

• You’re teaching your unconscious that everything is a skill, and all skills can be learned at the right pace.

• Ultimately the person who feels the most confident and comfortable, in the widest variety of situations, is the person who ends up with the most control over their life.

So how do you apply this method to the practical challenges you face in your own life? How do you improve your surroundings? Your health? Your relationships? Your income? And the wider problems of your community?

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Setting yourself up to succeed.

Let’s make it personal…

• What’s the problem? First establish what’s wrong. Where’s the pain? What discomfort would you like relief from?

• What’s your ideal outcome? Choose a destination. Where do you want to end up when the problem has been solved? What’s the goal? What direction do you want to head in?

• Will it increase your control? Will your chosen outcome increase your freedom, power or ability to predict the future?

• Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want. Don’t choose “quitting” or “giving up” goals. If you want to stop a behaviour, decide what you’re going to replace it with.

• Explain what you want in just a few words. Condensing your goal makes it easier to use on a day to day basis. And you’ll want to use it often, to help shape your decisions and keep you motivated.

• Can you imagine yourself achieving your goal? If you can’t, then your goal is too far beyond your current skill level and experience. Break it down into something more manageable.

• What skills and actions will it take to deserve it? Write down the skills you’ll need to develop, and the actions you’ll need to take, to truly deserve the outcome you want.

• What’s the first easy step? Your first step has to be small, and easy to act upon. You should be dipping your toes in the water, not diving off a cliff. The rabbit should start out in a cage, at the far end of the room, while you enjoy your lunch.

• Is it new enough to create hope? When choosing your first step, keep in mind what you’ve already tried in the past. You don’t want to run right back to the same thing you’ve been procrastinating over for days, weeks or months. It’s more effective to try a slightly novel approach.

• Read the manual before you play the game. Now that you’ve established what you need to do, you need to know how to do it. Find the most useful knowledge from the best people. Resist the temptation to dive in and start practicing before you have any foundational knowledge.

• Practice for fun on your own. Try out the ideas you’ve just learned from your chosen mentor. Practice in the real world and see what happens. But don’t get emotionally invested in the end result and don’t judge yourself.

• Practice for mastery with people you trust. You can start practicing with people you trust now, in an environment designed for learning. An environment where you can get honest feedback from others who want you to succeed. Repeat the skill until you can perform it automatically and without too much effort.

• Practice for pressure in public. It’s time to try out your new skill in a more public setting. To really see how much you’ve learned. To play the game to win. To perform, compete or publish.

• Review and level up. After a short break, you can look at your performance objectively and honestly. Your attitude remains the same, this is all just practice, a game that will expand your comfort bubble and move you closer towards your goals. Once you’ve reviewed your first performance, it’s time to start another loop, moving up to the next level of detail or onto the next skill. You’re creating an upward spiral of skills and positive memories that will naturally fuel your motivation and confidence.

Let’s break down each step…

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What’s the problem?

The first step is simple, establish what’s wrong. We’re generally motivated to act because we feel uncomfortable. So what is it that’s causing you pain? What discomfort would you like relief from? What would you like to move away from?

Without judgement write down the problem you want to solve.

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What’s your ideal outcome?

Choose a destination. Where do you want to end up when the problem has been solved? What’s the goal?

Certain types of goal will improve your quality of life even if you never reach “the end”. But others are a high predictor of depression, anxiety and failure, even if you achieve them.

It’s best to avoid goals that are needy, or rely on other people’s approval. Like proving your basic worth, competence or likability. Or goals that require other people to change. These outcomes are not in your control.

Do set goals that are about your own growth. Your desire to learn, to be the best person you can be. Goals to develop your skills and experience, so that you can be more comfortable in a wider variety of situations.

Without judgement write down your ideal solution, your goal or where you’d like to end up.

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Will it increase your control?

A good goal will be both: within your control, and will increase your level of control.

There are three main strategies for achieving more control. You can seek more freedom, more power or more predictability.

Freedom goals allow you to move yourself, physically and mentally, like improving your health, or your ability to travel.

Power goals allow you to move other people and their resources for your benefit, like running a company, a campaign or a country.

Predictability goals are about knowing what’s going to happen next, like having a stable position, living in a small conservative town or understanding more about people and their behavior.

Is your goal within your control? Will it give you more freedom, power or predictability?

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Focus on what you want, not what you don’t want.

Don’t choose “quitting” or “giving up” goals. You won’t “quit X” by focusing on “quitting X” every day. You’ll likely end up doing more “X”.

If you want to stop a behaviour, decide what you’re going to replace it with.

For example, if you wanted to quit drinking. Think about why you drink in the first place. There’s always a reason behind our behavior.

You may drink because you believe it makes you more social. Or that it brings you joy. Or that it helps you relax. Or that it lowers your stress. Or that you’re bored. Or that it helps you sleep.

You’ve just identified a list of goals. Being social, feeling joyful, feeling relaxed, feeling calm (opposite of stressed), feeling challenged (opposite of bored), sleeping soundly.

And there are any number of alternative skills you can learn or actions you can take to achieve those goals. So identify the positive outcome that you really want to achieve and focus on heading towards that.

Have you established what you’re moving towards, as well as what you’re moving away from?

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Explain what you want in just a few words.

Condensing your goal into a few words makes it easier to use on a day to day basis. And you’ll want to use it often, to help shape your decisions and keep you motivated.

Imagine your goal is to take more control of your health. You want the freedom of being more flexible so you can take part in more physical activities. You also want to lose some weight and improve your overall proportions so that you look good and feel more sexy and confident.

Great, but that a lot to remember. So the idea is to reduce it down to just a few words that remind you of your goal and help you see what it is you’re aiming for.

Examples:
“Muscular and lean”
“Strong and light”
“Toned and slim”
“Slim and sexy”

Whatever summary you create it should be meaningful and motivating to you, and you alone. It doesn’t matter what anyone else might think or say about it. Don’t try to be politically correct, no one else needs to ever see or hear your goal.

Once you have your condensed goal, you can use it to guide your decision making throughout the day.

Insert it into any process relevant to the outcome you want. For example, if your goal were to be “toned and slim” you might write it at the top of your shopping list to help guide your choices.

You’ll have lots of choices to make throughout your day, and your condensed goal will serve as a guide. You are forcing yourself to ask – “Will this choice move me closer to, or further away, from my goal?”

Note: There’s nothing magical or metaphysical about using this kind of tool. The universe isn’t “manifesting” your will. You are simply focusing your attention to help steer your conscious and unconscious decisions.

Write a very short summary of the outcome you want. Try to use less than seven words.

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Can you imagine yourself achieving your goal?

Your condensed goal should trigger a clear image and a positive feeling about what you want to achieve.

If your goal is to be “toned and slim”, then you should be able to picture yourself being toned and slim in your minds eye.

We are visual creatures and our memory has a strong visual component. We were using images long before we developed the capacity to use words.

Once you can see what your outcome will look like, in your minds eye, imagine what it will feel like as well.

Achieving your goal should look great and feel great, it should trigger positive emotions.

If you find it hard to imagine the outcome you want, then the goal you’ve chosen is too far beyond your present level of skill and experience.

You’ll need to break it down into something smaller and more manageable, something you can imagine achieving.

Can you see and feel the outcome you’ve chosen in your minds eye? Does it feel motivating?

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What skills and actions will it take to deserve it?

You’ve chosen your goal, and you’ve created a summary that triggers a clear and positive image of what you want. But to actually deserve it, you’ll need to do two things…

1. Develop new skills.
2. Take new actions.

Almost everything is a skill, and almost everything can be learned. But to admit that to yourself often requires a new level of honesty.

Once you do admit to yourself that you are capable, that you can learn the skills necessary to achieve your goals, two things will happen. You will achieve a new level of control. And you will achieve a new level of responsibility.

Write down the skills you’ll need to develop, and the actions you’ll need to take, to truly deserve the goal you’ve chosen.

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What’s the first easy step?

Your first step has to be small, and easy to act upon. You should be dipping your toes in the water, not diving off a cliff. The rabbit should start out in a cage, at the far end of the room, while you enjoy our lunch.

Once you’ve listed all the skills you’ll need to learn, and all the actions you’ll need to take in order to deserve your outcome, ask yourself – what’s the first step I can easily take? And can I break it down even further, into a micro-skill, or micro-action? Something I guarantee I will act upon, because it’s small enough to manage?

For example, to achieve a goal of being “toned and slim” you may have identified the skill of “knowing how to prepare and cook healthy food yourself.”

But that’s still a large and potentially overwhelming task. People spend years learning how to master healthy cooking. So break it down into a more manageable chunk.

You could start by focusing on just one type of meal. Like healthy breakfasts.

You could break it down even further. Learning how to master one healthy breakfast recipe.

Instead of the overwhelming task of becoming “toned and slim” you’ve isolated the simple task of learning how to cook eggs perfectly for breakfast.

And the real beauty of developing skill sets gradually like this, is that you make progress really fast. With a few boxes of eggs, a handful of youtube tutorials, and a couple of weeks practice, you can become the best egg cook you know.

When you do that regularly, when you see yourself going from unskilled, to being in the top 10% and then the top 1%, something magical happens. A shift in your core understanding of how much control you have over your life.

Choose the first action you can comfortably and happily take, or the first micro-skill you want to start learning and write it down.

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Is it new enough to create hope?

When choosing your first step, keep in mind what you’ve already tried in the past.

You don’t want to run right back to the same thing you’ve been procrastinating over for days, weeks or months. It’s more effective to try something new, something novel.

Our unconscious is trying to stop us making the same mistakes over and over. But trying something that feels “new” is a cheat code that lets us keep moving forwards.

The trick is to try something “just new enough”. Bypassing past memories and creating fresh hope. But don’t jump to a completely different goal, or it becomes impossible to stick with anything for long enough to master it.

Look for a new way to approach the same problem. This can be as simple as doing the same thing at a different time of day, or from a new location, or using a new technique, from a new source. As long as you’re trying something “new enough” to trick your unconscious into thinking you’re not just banging your head against the same old wall.

“New” feels fresh, inspiring, re-energizing. A new page, a new day, a new year, a new start, a new hope.

Make sure your first step is going to involve something new and inspiring and write it down.

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Read the manual before you play the game.

Now that you’ve established what you need to do, you need to know how to do it. You need to learn the rules before you play the game.

This step is all about finding the most useful knowledge from the best people. It’s about finding out how to act for the best chance of success.

It involves watching the best instructional videos. Reading great books. Learning from the world’s most successful mentors. Anything to gather information about the micro-skill you’ve chosen.

Your biggest enemy, in this preparation phase, is the temptation to dive in and start practicing before you have any foundational knowledge. To start playing the game before you’ve learned the basic rules of the game.

The more effort you put into finding and reading the right “instruction manual”, the faster you’ll move towards your goal.

In the past you could only learn from people close to you. The successful hunters, gatherers, warriors, peacemakers, cooks or carers in your family and small tribe.

But today you have access to mentors and heroes in every skill set you can imagine, from all around the world, and from throughout history.

But even though you have access to all this knowledge, your unconscious will still look for people who seem familiar to you. Your brain wants to identify with your heroes and mentors. They must give you a sense that they are “just like you” but have achieved the things you want to achieve.

The more you can see that your heroes are just like you, the more likely you are to trust their process when things get hard.

Find one or more concrete examples of people you admire, who inspire you. People who seem to have similar traits to you. Who’ve already achieved the life you want to live, or something very close to it. And learn how they developed the first micro-skill you want to master.

Do not move onto the practice phases without knowing how to practice first. Winging it is for amateurs. Preparation is for professionals.

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Practice for fun on your own.

This stage is all about trying out the ideas you’ve just learned from your chosen mentor. You’re practicing in the real world and seeing what happens.

It’s important not to get emotionally invested in the end result.

If we bring it back to our health example, you’re not interested in trying to lose 40lbs yet, you’re just getting used to paying more attention to what eggs you buy for breakfast and how you cook them.

It’s about getting the feel for a new skill, putting on a new hat, in this case a chef’s hat, and having fun.

The focus is on noticing what happens when you practice. Noticing your own behavior and the end results. Do you regularly try to skip a step or two? Did you ignore the instructions? Did you try to be “creative”? How did that work out?

At this early stage your skill level is low, and every attempt will need a lot of focus and energy. You’re likely to miss far more than you hit your target. This is normal and unavoidable.

Unless you have access to a really supportive coach or mentor, it’s perfectly ok to practice this phase in private, without getting outside feedback. You don’t want to expose yourself to negative criticism and judgement from others too early in the process.

You also don’t want to criticise yourself. Beating yourself up because you haven’t mastered a skill that you just started learning doesn’t make sense. So don’t do it.

It’s far more important to enjoy yourself, and create positive memories, than it is to get things perfect. You need to keep your attitude light and be willing to laugh at your early attempts, especially when you break things.

Be curious and experiment. Play and have fun.

First develop the habit of turning up, day after day, to practice the basics and have fun. Then move onto the next level of practice.

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Practice for mastery with people you trust.

This stage is all about repeating the micro-skill until you can perform it automatically and without too much effort.

You can start practicing with people you trust now, in an environment designed for learning. An environment where you can get honest feedback from others who want you to succeed.

The attitude now should be one of persistence. Amateurs practice until they get it right. Professionals practice until they can’t get it wrong.

How you respond to your “hits and misses” will decide how long you stick with it.

Let’s imagine again that the micro-skill you’re practicing is cooking the perfect eggs for your healthy breakfast…

When you’ve mastered the perfect poached egg, tell yourself – “That’s just like me”. It’s not so much about what you say, but how it makes you feel. It should feel positive and rewarding, like you’re winning, but also that winning is natural for you.

You don’t want to jump up and down like a clown, making a really big deal out of it. You want to teach yourself that this is useful, enjoyable and fun, but not something that rarely happens to you.

The more you enjoy performing the process, and the more natural it feels to you, the more likely you are to repeat it in the future.

When you get it wrong, you mentally wipe the slate clean and move right on to the next attempt. Case closed, next case. Do not criticise yourself, get frustrated, or dwell on what went wrong.

You can start to record and monitor your performance in this phase. But at the same time you’re not going to get overly attached to your results. It’s just a tool to help you notice how you’re executing your process.

Keep practicing until you’re comfortable with your skills and then move onto the next level to raise the stakes.

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Practice for pressure in public.

It’s time to try out your new skill in a more public setting. To really see how much you’ve learned. To play the game to win. To perform, compete or publish. To go on the date, make the speech, run the race or make your perfectly healthy breakfast for someone else.

That sort of performance always comes with an additional set of pressures. Beyond the safety of practicing with your friends, you’re facing the threat of failure and public judgement.

Your body will release adrenaline, enabling you to think and move faster than normal. Helping you deal with the extra pressure and reinforcing the many hours you’ve spent practicing.

If you’ve done your preparation, if you’ve been “sitting with the rabbit” and gradually increasing your exposure, then by now you should be able to execute your process without too much conscious thought.

The attitude should be that this is just another level of practice. You should give 100% effort. But no more, and no less. Over-trying should be avoided, or you’ll become tense and rigid in your execution.

Make sure to choose a level of public pressure that is suited to the amount of practice you’ve done so far.

The aim is to stretch yourself, without breaking. You want to move forwards, without going too far, too fast and triggering your unconscious defences. The experience should be thrilling, but fun.

Aim for one public performance, where you can practice your new micro-skill while under pressure, or while being judged in a more public setting.

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Review and level up.

In the final stage of the practice loop, you review your performance before moving up to the next level.

After you’ve performed, you might want to briefly rest and recover your strength. (There will often be a dip in energy after the heightened emotions of action, competition or public performance).

After a short break, you can look at your performance objectively and honestly. Your attitude remains the same, this is all just practice, a game that will expand your comfort bubble and move you closer towards your goals.

Do not focus on the negative. On what you did wrong or how you fell short. Especially if your mistakes are now being pointed out by other people. It’s a natural instinct to pay too much attention to what other people say. But one that you can compensate for.

So when looking at your performance, you should pay most attention to what you did right and the progress you’ve made so far. Just turning up to test your skills in public is major progress towards gaining more control.

Focusing on what you did right isn’t about becoming blind or deluded. You can notice, and correct, what went wrong. But you’ll tend to get more of what you focus on, so never dwell on it for too long.

There is always another level of skill development. Another level of nuance and mastery that you can reach. But the process should remain one of fun, and steady progression. You will continue to be motivated to do the things that make you feel good. And you will resist things that make you feel bad because they are too far beyond your present skill level.

Once you’ve reviewed your first performance, it’s time to start another loop, moving up to the next level of detail or onto the next micro-skill. You’re creating an upward spiral of skills and positive memories that will naturally fuel your motivation and confidence.

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Gaining more control, what to do first?

Before you have the skills and credibility to shape the outside world, you must first learn how to shape yourself and your immediate surroundings.

For maximum impact I recommend working on goals that increase your level of control in this general order…

• Your immediate surroundings.

• Your health & appearance.

• Your relationships.

• Your money & resources.

• Your wider surroundings.

Let’s break it down…

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Get more control over your immediate surroundings.

Start with what’s right in front of your eyes, under your nose, or within your grasp, day after day.

Whether you’re sat in your car, at your desk, on your sofa, or stood over your kitchen sink. Look around and ask yourself, how can I create more control for myself in this tiny part of my world?

How can I create more order? How can I improve this square meter? How can I make it easier to find what I need? How can I make it more useful? More enjoyable? More practical? How can I raise my standard of execution, right here, right now?

Start to notice, how much time you spend doing the same tasks day after day. In the same places. Using the same tools. Consuming the same things.

You think that you have been measuring your life by the big events, but in fact you have formed your internal standard, your sense of who you are, from the thousands of tiny impressions you make, day after day.

And its by re-shaping those tiny impressions, decisions and actions, that you can develop more control and raise your standards.

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Get more control over your health & appearance.

How do you feel when you look in the mirror? What do you think other people think, when they first meet you? Your ability to control the external world is certainly influenced by your credibility. And how much control you appear to have over your own body and your own actions will certainly effect your credibility in the eyes of other people.

When thinking about your health and appearance, start with your most fundamental actions. What’s the quality of your breathing? How well do you sleep? How much do you drink? Do you have an appropriate level of body fat? How flexible are you? How strong are you? What’s your level of stamina? What’s your focus like?

And notice how you present yourself to the world. What does your grooming tell people about your values and your level of control? What does your posture say? What’s your level of energy when you interact with people? What does your clothing communicate?

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Get more control over your relationships.

Your personality is very much based around how you interact with other people. You are your relationships. (That’s why it can hurt so much when they break down).

Your most important relationship is with yourself. How you feel about yourself is mostly influenced by noticing your own behaviors.

Did you live up to your own values and aspirations today, or did you take an easier path? You can’t not notice your own behavior, which is an important part of why gradual exposure works so well. It’s the key to impressing yourself.

Your “personality” is really multiple personalities. Slightly different sets of values and beliefs about how to deal with different people.

How you act around a partner will be slightly different to how you act around a sibling, or a parent, or your children, or your neighbors or your boss or your employees.

Once you start to notice these differences in how you act and how you treat different people, you can start to experiment and gain new levels of control. But only after you’ve developed more control over your own behavior and your reputation with yourself.

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Get more control over your money & resources.

Your earning power is very much dependent on both the character you’ve developed and the relationship skills you’ve learned. A healthy dose of courage and persistence will improve your chances of getting lucky. And they can only be developed by consistently turning up and putting in the practice.

Most people go through life focusing on their own needs and hoping they’ll stumble across a money tree on the journey. But your earning power is very much linked to how much value you can create for others. So you’ll have to learn how to see the world through other people’s eyes. And how to use leverage to create more value than you need for yourself.

Once you’ve learned how to create value for other people, you’ll need to learn how to scale it. So that you’re no longer trading your time for money, but you’re trading value instead.

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Get more control over your wider surroundings.

Once you’ve developed a credible foundation of control for yourself you’ll have more success influencing the world around you. You’ll be both more confident in yourself and more persuasive to others.

Now you can expand that influence, through your neighbourhood, country or state. You’ll be more equipped to deal with national and global issues and shape the world in a positive way for future generations.

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Credits.

Written by Paul Montreal. Standing on the shoulders of giants.
With special thanks to…
Mary Cover Jones for her behavioral work with Peter and the rabbit.
Prescott Lecky for his theory of self consistency.
Carol Dweck for her growth mindset theory.
Lanny & Troy Bassham for their work on high performance.
Josh Waitzkin for his work on high performance.
Luca Dellana for his theory of expected emotional outcome.
Daniel Coyle for his writing on high performance.
BJ Fogg for his work on habit formation.
Daniel Kahneman for his work on the brain and its many biases.

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Cheat sheet – last chance.

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